Glad you could join me to continue the walk we began in part 1. Did any scenario come to mind as we strolled through the first 2 homes? Perhaps you grew up in a home like this and you are afraid to find yourself living in one. There is light at the end of this silent tunnel, but we have 3 more steps to make for now.
3. Monosyllabic Responses: In these homes, ‘tolerating each other’ seems to be the name of the game. There is a lot of acrimony and irritation toward each other. The marriage is held together only by the doctrine of cordiality and fear of societal backlash from choosing to end it. These couples respond to each other with grunts, sighs, nods, and simple phrases like YES or NO! It is more dangerous if it is mutual, as it is indicative that both spouses care less about what becomes of their marriage. If it applies to only one spouse, s/he may be doing so for varying reasons: seeking attention, proving a point, trying to get even with their spouse, or generally just trying to be manipulative and controlling.
4. Superficial Discussions: Most couples are guilty of this. Even when it seems all is well, silence in such a marriage manifests itself in the quality (depth or richness) of the conversations. Is it rich, is it heartfelt, is it open, is it truthful, seeking to understand the spouse, etc.? Couples do not necessarily need unresolved issues or conflicts to find themselves in this atmosphere. It reveals a lack of effort to invest quality conversation in their relationship and work towards spicing it up to make it work. Superficial discussions indicate a spouse drifting from his/her commitment to the relationship (an affair, friendships, work commitments, hobbies, etc.). There is so much talking going on, but there is no communication.
5. Avoidance: Psuedo-peace exists in this home. It occurs when couples have a pending weighty issue, misunderstanding, or offense that needs resolution. The guiltier party avoids being confronted on the matter and/or brought to a point where s/he will have to tell the truth, admit wrong, and be exposed. Instead, the guilty party tries to be extra-friendly, buys gifts for the wife, or prepares his favorite meal. S/he acts like nothing has happened, while the offended party is irritated, waiting to be spoken to while dying inside. In a few instances, the offended party may be the one who is afraid or unable to confront the offender. Although they talk, they are silent about what matters.
Thank you for reading. I’ll like to read your thoughts, questions and recommendations below.
In the next episode, I’ll be discussing causes of communication breakdown in marriages. JOIN ME.
As a man, I often like to avoid topics I’m not comfortable with my spouse bringing up. I often think she will really come down hard on me, and I feel vulnerable. So, I will do everything to avoid the conversation.
Sir Akin, most times WE just want to be heard. When things that need to spoken are kept in silence it doesn’t make them go away rather it ferments and get sour. Let all the conversations happen, both easy and difficult ones✌️❤️🙏
Thanks. I’m grateful sis.
Thanks for responding. Thank you for your recommendation to Akin. Do you think the ‘silent treatment’ weapon is better wielded by a particular gender?
Thanks for your comment Akin. You are not alone in this. We do not like to be scolded. Could you please share how your spouse reacts when you avoid issues?
Learning!!! This is enlightening. Thank you, sir. In a case where talking will result in some fracas, should avoidance be considered an option for peace to reign?
A number of people advice (and some practice) leaving the spot of conflict to cool down. This is fine, but I believe the goal of every relationship should be to come to a place where they can discuss their misunderstandings or grievances without letting it degenerate into shouting bouts, fights, or insults. I would treat this in an episode soon – “Resolving Conflicts.”
The danger of walking away is that, you are training yourself to avoid conflict and not resolve conflict. The more you walk away, the longer you will stay away and leave your conflicts unresolved. And mind you, when you walk away, trying to cool off, you leave your partner to be dealing with their hurt (at least, from their perspective) alone, and they can even hurt more, especially when they feel talking would help them feel better.
Excellent. Thank you Pastor
I agree with Akin, I am a conflict avoider in all my relationships (work, family, friendships etc) just for peace to reign. I saw your response below that this coping mechanism trains your mind in a particular pattern, and I agree. So moving from avoidance to resolution, to not being intimidated by conflict is something I am trying to navigate.
From experience, when you avoid conflicts, you are unconsciously training your partner that they can do whatever they want and that your opinion does not matter. You may also begin to build resentment within, then one day, you might do something extreme to hurt yourself, spouse, or relationship.
Sadly, I would say I am the complete opposite. While I won’t instigate it (at least intentionally), I will not avoid it if it comes up. I wanted to be married to a spouse that was ready to “talk it out” as I believed that was the path to resolution. Imagine my suprise when my wife was talking back and instead of resolution we got escalation and somehow found our way to being speechless.
One thing God has been teaching me which is very scary as a man is that I needed to learn how to listen. I have gotten so good at talking that my ears are mainly used for hearing people praise how well I talk. My wife didn’t feel heard and it caused her to lash out and exibit all manner of behaviour that were “unlike” her.
As soon as I started trying to listen more (I still struggles sometimes), I began to hear her pain and frustrations. Her shouts turned from being “disrespectful” to a plea for me to stop talking and listen. We are getting better. It helps to know what we are facing isn’t strange.
Thank you pastor for this. Na here we dey. We dey follow who know road!