HOW DID IT GET SO COLD?

Now we can identify how the ‘silent treatment’ plays out; the next step is identifying the  sources and causes of speechlessness in a relationship:

1. UNRESOLVED OR REPEATED OFFENCES: When an offense is unresolved or occurs frequently, hurt can make the offended spouse withdraw into their shell, becoming speechless. They soon find it easier to have conversations with everyone but their spouse.

2. LACK OF OR MIS- UNDERSTANDING: A wife thinks her husband perceives her as ‘nagging’ because of her clamor for attention or an attitudinal change in her husband; she falls silent. A husband feels constantly picked on by his wife and decides the best way not to blow his top is to remain speechless. In more critical cases, a spouse becomes quiet because their partner always reads meaning to everything. Sometimes, they respond like they already know what they mean to say or never listen but jump to their conclusions. The affected spouses ‘think’ their best choice is to stay speechless.

3. OVERT OR SUBTLE AGGRESSION: When a couple/spouse is usually aggressive in their speech or responses, it creates a tense atmosphere, and ‘free, intimate, and open speech’ may be the first victim. When it is hard to reason with a spouse, the other partner can become speechless. If asking ‘why did you come late’ will earn me an insult, I would rather be quiet. If telling you, ‘I do not like your fingernails’ will lead to a reminder that I do not meet your needs, then being speechless looks attractive. It is hard to reason with a bully; avoidance may be the best escape route.

4. VIOLENCE:  This reason is sensitive, but a major reason for silence. In a relationship where there is verbal, emotional, or physical abuse,  becoming speechless becomes a way of ensuring ‘peace’. The abused partner is often too afraid to speak for fear that s/he might trigger another bout of abuse. The abuser enforces silence by punishing, manipulating, and bullying their partners into some false sense of submission. Some people mistakenly assume that there will be peace if there is no conversation to trigger any issue. However, abuse in whatever form indicates an even bigger problem that silence will only aggravate and not solve.

In my next article, I will continue to discuss the causes of communication breakdown in marriages. Meanwhile, I’ll like to read your thoughts, questions, and recommendations below.

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Rev Grace

I find this resource very educative and motivating. Thank you for availing yourself to be used by God to bless humanity.

Uduak Afelumo

Thank you very much Rev. Grace. We are grateful for the privilege and appreciate your comment. Looking forward to your continued contributions.

Ozo2

At times when u talk and talk and ur partner just refuse to change his/her way or see things ur way or when things are not just working out but ur partner adamant you have no choice but be silent🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Uduak Afelumo

I can identify with this scenario you have shared and you are not alone! No one likes to feel like a ‘nag’ but like we said in previous article, there is light at the end of the tunnel and wisdom to turn things around. Continue with us and let’s learn together.

Seun Payne Jackson

I believe this and do my best to practice it. How do I avoid resentment if I feel my spouse isn’t trying to see things my own way too? Is it strange that I expect her to also try to let me know she values my own views and opinons? Is it wrong to feel sort of taken for granted if I am investing all this time into being better and my spouse doesn’t appear to match my energy?

Iheanyi Okere

This was very insightful to me and my partner. We are very grateful for the article and pray God continues to bless you

Uduak Afelumo

Amen. God bless you too.
Thanks for the feedback. I am glad that it was helpful. Looking forward to seeing you both in class. 😁

Japari Ganama

I look forward to the proactive steps on resolving this especially no. 1. Surely, in forging a life with someone so different from you, conflict is inevitable. So how do we approach conflict resolution in a healthy manner without resorting to withdrawal from your spouse? Is there a way to navigate that conversation, even the difficult ones?