Now we can identify how the ‘silent treatment’ plays out; the next step is identifying the sources and causes of speechlessness in a relationship:
1. UNRESOLVED OR REPEATED OFFENCES: When an offense is unresolved or occurs frequently, hurt can make the offended spouse withdraw into their shell, becoming speechless. They soon find it easier to have conversations with everyone but their spouse.
2. LACK OF OR MIS- UNDERSTANDING: A wife thinks her husband perceives her as ‘nagging’ because of her clamor for attention or an attitudinal change in her husband; she falls silent. A husband feels constantly picked on by his wife and decides the best way not to blow his top is to remain speechless. In more critical cases, a spouse becomes quiet because their partner always reads meaning to everything. Sometimes, they respond like they already know what they mean to say or never listen but jump to their conclusions. The affected spouses ‘think’ their best choice is to stay speechless.
3. OVERT OR SUBTLE AGGRESSION: When a couple/spouse is usually aggressive in their speech or responses, it creates a tense atmosphere, and ‘free, intimate, and open speech’ may be the first victim. When it is hard to reason with a spouse, the other partner can become speechless. If asking ‘why did you come late’ will earn me an insult, I would rather be quiet. If telling you, ‘I do not like your fingernails’ will lead to a reminder that I do not meet your needs, then being speechless looks attractive. It is hard to reason with a bully; avoidance may be the best escape route.
4. VIOLENCE: This reason is sensitive, but a major reason for silence. In a relationship where there is verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, becoming speechless becomes a way of ensuring ‘peace’. The abused partner is often too afraid to speak for fear that s/he might trigger another bout of abuse. The abuser enforces silence by punishing, manipulating, and bullying their partners into some false sense of submission. Some people mistakenly assume that there will be peace if there is no conversation to trigger any issue. However, abuse in whatever form indicates an even bigger problem that silence will only aggravate and not solve.
In my next article, I will continue to discuss the causes of communication breakdown in marriages. Meanwhile, I’ll like to read your thoughts, questions, and recommendations below.
I find this resource very educative and motivating. Thank you for availing yourself to be used by God to bless humanity.
Thank you very much Rev. Grace. We are grateful for the privilege and appreciate your comment. Looking forward to your continued contributions.
Thank you, Rev. Grace. Glad you found the resource useful. Blessings.
At times when u talk and talk and ur partner just refuse to change his/her way or see things ur way or when things are not just working out but ur partner adamant you have no choice but be silent🤷♂️🤷♂️
I can identify with this scenario you have shared and you are not alone! No one likes to feel like a ‘nag’ but like we said in previous article, there is light at the end of the tunnel and wisdom to turn things around. Continue with us and let’s learn together.
Thanks, Ozo2. This happens in almost every marriage. The reason is that we are often two different people trying to make a marriage work. The first thing is to accept and embrace this difference as a gift from God. When you see it like that, trying to change your spouse no longer becomes your primary aim, you should rather see how you can harness their difference to help move the relationship forward. So, instead of trying to change him/her, try to see things their way, and let them know you value their views and opinions. From there, you can then discuss ways you can both as a team tackle whatever the issues are. I am 21 years into marriage, and there are still things my spouse does differently.
I believe this and do my best to practice it. How do I avoid resentment if I feel my spouse isn’t trying to see things my own way too? Is it strange that I expect her to also try to let me know she values my own views and opinons? Is it wrong to feel sort of taken for granted if I am investing all this time into being better and my spouse doesn’t appear to match my energy?
I think you may both need to get some counseling. OR: You can go out on a date (away from home and the usual pressure points). Go to a relaxed place – eat, drink, laugh together, and then discuss your relationship/marriage in such an atmosphere without acrimony and accusation.
Avoid using words like, “You don’t, you never, you always, etc.” Say things like, “I feel, I may be wrong but…I would like.” Better still, approach it from the angle of taking responsibility, “How can I be a better man? What can I do to make our marriage better? What would I do to make you a happier wife?” It will work magic…she will soon be looking for ways to make you happy too.
This was very insightful to me and my partner. We are very grateful for the article and pray God continues to bless you
Amen. God bless you too.
Thanks for the feedback. I am glad that it was helpful. Looking forward to seeing you both in class. 😁
Thanks, Iheanyi. Looking forward to meeting you in class (MPC).
I look forward to the proactive steps on resolving this especially no. 1. Surely, in forging a life with someone so different from you, conflict is inevitable. So how do we approach conflict resolution in a healthy manner without resorting to withdrawal from your spouse? Is there a way to navigate that conversation, even the difficult ones?
I think what couples must first understand is that they are a team. Having that, not just in the head, but in your core, helps make conflict resolution easier. Like in any team, soccer, for example, the teammates are all different, but their common goal makes them work together (solving problems together).
The moment a man and his wife understand that they are on the same team and have the same goal, it is easier for them to both come together to solve a problem. The problem starts when one thinks the other is trying to change them or have his/her way. Such thinking will make it difficult to resolve conflicts.